Ladies and Gentleman of the Hogwarts Class...

I have a piece of advice for you...

No matter WHAT Professor Snape says,

there is NO SEX in the Potions Room.

NONE!

Oh, there's Potions in the Potions Room,

but you don't want Potions.

You want Sex!

And there's NO SEX in the Potions Room.

Don't go to Knockturn Alley without a Dark Mark!

Sure, you may feel safe on the inside,

but what about ALL THOSE Death Eaters waiting for you outside?

They KNOW you ain't got one!

Take off that silly ass hat!

You-Know-Who couldn't possibly have committed ALL THOSE crime...

Sirius Black did SOME of dat shyt!

Butterbeer...Ain't nuttin wrong wit dat.

If, uh, Lockhart has a funny story...

He hasn't had his memory back for long.

A REAL Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is too JADED to be funny!

If a witch gives you a valentine...she'll probably suck your d#$@.

If a wizard gives you a valentine, he'll probaby suck your d#$@!

NOBODY goes to the Three Broomsticks for Butterbeer!

YOUNG SLYTHERINS...

If you go to the Leaky Cauldron, and some fool steps on your Gladrags, let it sliiiide...

Why spend 20 years in Azkaban cos a brother smudged your dress robes?

If a witch tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's 12!

If a witch tells you she's 23 and LOOKS 23, she's probly 102!

Here's a prediction for EVERYONE:

Hufflepuff...you're gonna die.

Ravenclaw...you're gonna die.

Hufflepuff...you're gonna die twice!

Gryffindor...you're gonna die.

Slytherin...you're gonna die fraking!

Some of the things I said may not apply to you.

Some of the things I said may OFFEND you.

But no matter who-you-are...

You MUST remember this ONE THING...

No matter WHAT Professor Snape says,

There is NO SEX in the Potions Room!

NONE!

Ain't gonna get any...

::Chorus joins in::

Oh, no

No sex in the Potions Room

Oh, no

No sex in the Potions Room

Oh, no

No sex in the Potions Room

Oh, no

No sex in the Potions Room

Ain't gonna get any...

(Bows his head and exits stage)